I Want To Be Your Canary
by TheMoonclaw
Summary: Supposedly a romantic play...but who knows what those theather types think?


**There I was peacefully eating dinner when THIS fell into my lap and how could I resist a little Kizzy fix?**

**Anyone remember that dreadful play from Final Fantasy IX? Yeah...**

* * *

Kain wasn't sure if he should be glad for Izayoi's company for this particular event or if he should move somewhere else.

Something told him the dark hair woman would have more than a few words to say about what was about to take place.

"Why are you here?" he asked, watching her drag a chair and adjust it so she could see a certain group of people below.

"It's nice to see you too," she complained, testing out her spot, "What are you doing here? Chaperoning Ceodore and Ursula?"

He frowned, annoyed she had guessed correctly, although it wasn't all that hard to figure out. "I suppose you're here for the same reason,"

At this, she finally glanced at him, "I'm here as a bodyguard."

"Same thing." Kain retorted, rolling his eyes.

"Mine sounds more impressive." she taunted, sitting down once she was satisfied with her view, though Kain was a little annoyed at how close she was sitting to him. It meant she'd be able to complain to him the entire time, and although he was sore about having to be here, he didn't want it rubbed in his face all night.

"Besides," Izayoi continued, leaning over and gesturing to the group of young adults sitting approximately ten feet below, and in front of, them, "I wouldn't have to be here at all if your apprentice would keep his hands to himself."

"Oh, yes, that sounds like Kieran." Kain muttered, rolling his eyes again, "Sometimes I think you just come here to annoy me."

"Someone has too." she replied, shrugging largely.

Kain sighed, letting his gaze wander over the other guests, all overly dressed and overly excited, and then down to the stage in the center of the room.

Why Ceodore wanted to see this dreadful play for his birthday was beyond Kain, but then again, maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

Izayoi leaned over, "What are we watching again?"

"I want to be your canary." He replied, already bored.

She raised an eyebrow, "What's it about, birds?"

Kain grinned, suddenly interested in tormenting her, "No, it's about true love."

She made a face and he continued to grin as the curtains were pulled back and the play started.

"Bereft of father! Bereft of mother! Marcus! Thou hast lost even thy love!" the first performer exclaimed, stepping out into the center of the stage.

Izayoi groaned immediately.

Kain tried not to laugh at her expense, especially when he, too, was dreading the next four hours.

He leaned over as the rest of the cast began to make their appearance and whispered, "There is a battle scene later."

Izayoi was scowling at the stage, "It better be one hell of a battle scene…"

"For the sake of our friend... Let us bury our steel in the heart of the wretched King Leo!"

Izayoi shrugged, "Burying steel in people's hearts has promise, but this is going to be hard to watch, considering the king's name."

Kain chuckled, "Oh, and it's just getting started. We have three and half more hours of fun coming our way."

Her eyes widened, "The story cannot be that complex?"

He made a face, "No, of course not."

"Wait, how many times have you seen this?" she asked, resting her chin on her hand as the actors below traded insults in verse.

Kain hesitated before admitting, "Too many."

He could see her grinning out of the corner of his eye but he refused to acknowledge her presence. He was being tormented by having to see this play again enough without her teasing comments.

"Out of my way, Blank!" one actor shouted, over the top for such a minimal line.

The other threw his arm out in a grand gesture, "Consider this, Zidane! If Prince Schneider were to marry Princess Cornelia, peace would reign over both their kingdoms!"

The first recoiled, as if shocked by the statement, "

T'is foolishness! If all were so easy, why, none would suffer in this world!"

Kain heard Izayoi snort her disapproval of the scene. As they raced up a set of wobbly stairs off to the side of the stage, she leaned over and asked quietly, "So, was he your favorite character?"

He was confused, "Which one?"

"The one that just betrayed his friends,"

Kain sighed loudly, "I walked right into that one."

She chuckled lowly and smacked him across the shoulder, "I couldn't resist."

"Your acting a little too much like your cousin." he complained, shooting her an annoyed look.

Izayoi flashed him a smile, "Oh, but I'm more appealing company,"

Kain made a show of rolling his eyes at her before looking pointedly away, watching the mock duel taking place down below, instead.

Izayoi had more comments to make, "Well, this is obviously fake."

"What, the way they keep waiting for each other to move gave it away?" Kain remarked.

The fight scene lasted a few moments longer and then the performers rushed off stage, shouting.

The next character to enter the stage was a young woman who looked far too thin to even be walking, let along acting on a stage. Someone should have given her a sandwich.

"

Sweet Marcus, I fear I love thee more than I should!" she exclaimed, voice high pitched and grating.

It was Kain's turn to lean over and tease, "Let me know if you're going to throw up. I know how romance makes you ill."

"Only real romance." she replied, smirking, "Fake romance makes me want to stab something."

"Fake?" Kain asked, "What makes you think it's fake?"

The actress sighed heavily and then took a deep breath, speaking in her shrill tones; "Prithee, call me 'princess' no more! Marcus, wilt thou truly cherish me, the king's only daughter? Or is such a desire too dear to wish for!? After our nuptials, shall I become no more than a puppet? A mindless puppet, never to laugh, never to cry? I wish to live my life under the sky. At times I shall laugh, at other times cry. For no life is more insincere than that lived as a masquerade."

Izayoi glanced at him, "You tell me. Who talks like that? No one, that's who."

"I don't know," Kain said, "Rosa sometimes does."

"When?" Izayoi demanded, sounding unconvinced.

He shrugged, "When I kidnapped her. You know, back in the day."

Izayoi's expression was flat, "Please tell me you're kidding,"

"About what? The kidnapping or the speech?" he asked, trying not to smirk.

The actors embraced on stage, and even that looked forced and over the top.

"Cast away thy trappings of royalty, and I shall swaddle thee in a gown of pure love! Never again will I part from thee! Pray, my love, make me thy canary to keep forever in the cage of thy bosom! Let us embark on the first ship tomorrow, before dawn can tell of our elopement!"

Izayoi snorted and muttered, "Something tells me he isn't going to be swaddling her in much of anything come this 'elopement'."

Kain muffled a snicker, having thought the dialogue was a little tacky himself.

The woman playing the part of princess sighed dramatically again, "O, love is the sweetest joy and the wildest woe. All I wish is to be by my sweet Marcus's side"

Izayoi made a gagging motion and complained, "Someone please put her out of her misery!"

Kain frowned, "She's in love."

"Oh, she is not. " Izayoi said, dismissing his comment with a wave of her hand, "She's in love with the idea of love, and how did she and this street guy meet, anyway? Real life isn't like this."

"Can you just watch the story?" Kain asked, genuinely wanting to know.

Izayoi sighed and sagged back in her chair, lips pursed and position annoyed.

On stage, the betrayer from before reappeared and punched the princess in the midsection, though really it was obvious he didn't connect with her, despite the loud, dramatic sound effect she made as she collapsed in slow motion.

Izayoi's gaze shifted to Kain, "Are you sure he wasn't your favorite character?"

He sighed.

The king had returned, now costumed in an even more garish cloak, and glanced around the stage, speaking to the audience.

"Where is she!? Where has mine only daughter gone!?" When no one had an answer, he turned back to the doorway he had come through, exclaiming, "Blank, good man! Hast thou seen Cornelia?"

Izayoi scoffed, "Yes, he saw her. There has to be some sort of punishment for beating up royalty,"

"Worry not, Majesty. I shall make sure Cornelia marries Prince Schneider. Be thou at ease."

Kain frowned, "I just want to know who names their kid Schneider."

"At ease, sayest thou? How can I rest, not know she is safe? Could it be... thou hast betrayed me?"

"By my troth, sir, I betrayed none other than poor Marcus!"

Izayoi shook her head, "Troth? I don't even know what that means."

"Thou had the gall to betray thy dearest friend. Wouldst thou not betray me as swiftly?"

She snickered and Kain scowled at her, "Don't even start."

He was glad when she looked away, thought her lips were still upturned in an annoying smirk.

The king drew his sword, obviously made of wood, and 'stabbed' the traitor, who died in the most dramatic and unrealistic way on stage, complete with him pulling red strips of fabric out of his 'wound' for a good ten seconds.

Kain shook his head, unimpressed.

"Wretched daughter! How dare she disobey her father's wishes!" the king said, shaking a fist to the sky.

Izayoi frowned, "Worst father ever."

"Agreed." Kain said, nodding.

The scene below quickly shifted as the actors readjusted and the lovestruck man lamented the passing of their meeting hour.

Izayoi held up her hands, "I'm confused. If they were running away together why didn't they just do it already? Why did he leave her and make up this plan to leave at dawn?"

"Because the ship was departing." Kain explained.

"Yes, but your telling me it didn't occurred to them to just wait there, together?" she asked, "They deserve what they get."

"So harsh."

"Stupid people shouldn't be in love." she retorted sourly, crossing her arms.

Kain decided against saying anything to that comment and returned to watching the play just as the ending drew near.

"Why, my poor Marcus! Hark, lad. No matter how much thou dost treasure Cornelia... No matter how deeply she might believe she doth love thee... Never shall I see her marry a peasant such as thee!"

There was a strange sound effect of a bell tolling as the king continued his speech; "When the bell strikes three... Under the ax thou shall be!"

Another toll of the bell.

The rest of the characters rushed onto the stage, ending in another fake looking embrace from the two leads, who had about as much chemistry together

"Oh, Marcus! I missed you so! I wish never to leave thy side. Prithee, lead me from this place!"

Izayoi groaned again at the sickeningly sweet voice, and Kain had to admit, it was getting to him as well.

"See, King Leo? Thou shouldst give them thy blessing!" another actor insisted loudly.

"Never! Never leave his side, thou sayest? Foolish banter! I'll not allow it! Cornelia shall marry none other than this man - Prince Schneider! Is that not so, Prince Schneider?"

"Aye."

Izayoi smirked and leaned over to say, "For some reason he reminds me of Verian Dahl."

Kain snickered, nodding in agreement.

"And this traitorous crew, I will put to death!"

Another fight began, but it, too, was weak and obviously staged, although one had to appreciate that the actors tried, he supposed.

After the fight had ended with a large portion of the cast retreating or dying, the king turned with a swirl of his decorative cloak to face his daughter.

"Pray, sweet daughter, come home to the castle with me."

"Nay, Father! I shan't return!" she argued, clasping her hands together.

"Cornelia... Trouble me no more. This wedding is for thine own welfare. Be mindful of that."

The lead drew his sword with a grand flourish, nearly losing his hold on it in the process, and pointed the tip at the evil king.

"Not if I can help it! Now is my moment of vengeance! For my parents, and for my love, Cornelia...I shall cut thee down!"

Izayoi looked puzzled, "Since when did his parents die?"

"Since the plot required it." Kain returned.

The main character attempted to make good on his promise but at the last moment, the skinny princess jumped between her father and her lover, taking the hit herself.

"No... Cornelia!"

She fell, as over the top as the rest of the play, and declared in her shrill voice, "Mar... cus, forgive me. I still love my father... Prithee, forgive my selfishness, Father, and spare my sweet Marcus..."

She finished dying, slowly and theatrically, more red ribbons streaming from her 'wound' while the performer in the lead role yelled to the ceiling, "What have I done!? Am I never to hear her loving voice again!? Am I cursed never again to feel her soft touch!? O, cruel fate! Thou hast robbed me of all I treasure!"

And then he stabbed himself as well, dying.

The king, apparently distraught over his daughter's death, took his own blade and killed himself, and for reasons Kain had never understood, the other characters likewise murdered themselves.

As the last fell, the curtains closed and there was uproarious applause.

Izayoi looked less than impressed, "At least it had a good ending."

Kain turned to look at her in disbelief, "Everyone died!"

"I know," she said, nodding, "Now they can be together forever in death, or something…"

He frowned, "That isn't romantic, it's depressing."

"No, it is a sign for rejoicing. It means the play is over." she commented, standing with a grimace.

Kain grinned, "Ah, a good ending indeed."

Remembering the whole reason for being forced to sit through the play, he glanced over at the young adults and saw Cuore looking confused, "I don't understand, what was the purpose of that story? Everyone died, and now both kingdoms have no rulers and now a war will erupt anyway!"

Kieran, who looked bored, touched her arm, "Cuore, don't try and figure it out, just get rid of it from your brain and be glad it's over."

She frowned, "I still don't understand…"

Ursula sighed, "I thought it was romantic."

They all looked at her as if she'd grown wings.

Kieran made a face, "What part of that was romantic?"

She frowned at him, "Oh, never mind."

Izayoi rolled her eyes, "Well, look on the bright side. They never have to go through the rigors of marriage and princess what's-her-face won't ever have to give birth to a child. I'd say it's a happy ending all around."

Kain shot a frown her way and then address the kids, "Ignore her, she's jaded about life in general."

Izayoi reached out and smacked him in the shoulder, returning his frown.

There were a couple of snickers from the young adults, though Kain wasn't sure what was so funny, but then Cuore muttered, "There better be cake."

"Yes, cake." everyone agreed, shooing Ceodore out the nearest exit and making him promise the rest of his birthday would be spectacular.

Izayoi watched them go with a frown, "Forget the cake, I prayth there be alcohol at thine party."

Kain snickered and grabbed her hand, leading her out the same exit the kids had gone through, "I will find us some."

* * *

**Author's Note: I hate that play...ANYWAY, I couldn't resist this pointless peice of...what, exactly? I have no idea.**

**And yes, all the play lines are actual lines from the play, thanks to Final Fantasy Wiki who has the whole thing up...**


End file.
